Why?

For you, my man.

If you happen to read this, do know that I'm so sorry for what we're having now. Every relationship has its ups and downs and maybe this is our lowest point. But it can't be this long, the silence. One night would be sufficent for us; usually. Been waiting for your call or SMS every night before resting my eyes with hopes that your call will wake me up later. This is akward, really.

I know you are there. You are reachable yet I am in no access to reach you.

I miss YOU.

P.S: You can call me anytime you're ready. I've had enough of this silence. Done mine. :(

P.S.S: Friends, could you please text him telling him this? Or maybe just tell him that someone is missing him so badly.

Bosan dan emosi

Suatu ketika dulu aku selalu suka gila layan lagu ni bila aku sedih gila. I mean, tak semestinya sedih gila macam time putus cinta. Tapi bila aku rasa doomed lah kiranya.



Mesti orang-orang di sekeliling aku dah bosan dengan depresi aku yang mengada-ngada ni. Aku bukan depressed. Aku bosan je. Bila aku kebosanan tahap melampaui batas, maka aku nampak macam depressed. Aku pulak bukanlah jenis yang pandai nak tunjuk emosi aku. Kalau aku tunjuk, aku takut pulak orang-orang di sekeliling aku bengang ataupun berkecil hati. Jadi aku banyak memendam. Sememangnya aku ni jenis pemendam. Bukan pemendam dendam. Tapi pemendam rasa. Jadi kalau suatu hari nanti aku jadi gila, kau tau la apa sebabnya. Tapi kalau aku gembira, aku lebih senang dikenalpasti yang aku ni gembira. Alah, kalau aku murung pun orang nampak juga.

Entahlah. I can't please everybody. But aku pun nak please diri aku juga. Bukan please yang itu. I mean, gembirakan dan tenangkan hati dan diri aku juga. Jadi, kadang-kadang, kita tak mampu untuk berfikir untuk orang lain. Kita kena berfikir untuk diri kita juga. Bukanlah menjadi 'selfish' pula. Tapi, memberi peluang untuk diri sendiri. Kau faham kan maksud aku? Aku seronok tengok orang lain gembira. Tapi aku juga mesti beri peluang kepada diri sendiri untuk gembira. Kita semua. Jadi aku perlukan ruang. Kalau orang lain tak dapat berikan ruang untuk kita merasa bagus terhadap diri sendiri, mengapa kita tidak beri ruang kepada diri sendiri kan? Apa kata kamu?

Tapi buat masa sekarang ni, aku agak tertekan dengan keadaan muka aku yang sangat galak bertindak balas dengan produk baru aku guna ni. Aku kurang selesa. Jadi aku berhenti menggunakan untuk beberapa hari (quarantine) dan mungkin akan kembali kepada yang asal. Haiseh!

my mental illness

hurrmm..i've started like keeping a diary here. whenever i feel like saying something, i feel like writing it here. even when i was having my bath, i'd monologue and thingking about writing it here...it is just that i lost most of my thoughts/points before i got to the library and get myself online.

i feel like i am nowhere in the league. i feel like i do not belong here. not anywhere, in where i am now. i am not saying that life is unfair. i always think that Allah has made us to our best - with shortcomes and the best traits that we have, so it is said. however, my life has become like a total mess lately. i mean, my emotion, my thought and my everything. i do not know what is wrong with me. i know it is me, not because of others. i am aware that we know ourselves best. but not to me lately. even worse, sometimes i feel like i am nothing. nobody. no nothing. i know that that is a bad feeling someone should have about oneself. that is pathetic. yes, that is me. i am pathetic.


by the way, i want to stop giving unneccassery hatred. no. hatred is a strong word. dislike. i want to stop giving uneccassery dislike to people or anything. i want to be ignorant. haha! that is why i do not like myself now. but people, i would like to justify here that i am a good person, good as in i don't harm others in any ways - emotionally, physically, spiritually and all the ly(s). i am no mean girls and am in no way to match them. i am not the b*tch like (but some b*tches are good. tehy are good at heart. it is just a term, i suppose. i don't know). but i like my old self much more better. maybe it is because i feel that i became like i am now and i hate it. gosh! gila!!! i built that negative aura in me. or maybe it is because i don't have enough positive aura anymore. oh lord! what is this?! some how, i hope that i don't spread the negativity that i might have in me to people around me. i have no intention to do so. not at all. i swear. i have a good heart :P

i love to make people happy, feel good about themselves, feel like they are noticed by me as an individual whether they like it or not, whether they care if i don't. i love making love. i mean make people happy and have a good rapport with them. that is what i wish and like to do. but to be realistic, nothing is perfect. so who cares. do things that is within your hands. or your grabs.

p.s: i miss sailorBoy :(
he'd know what he needs to do or I have to do whenever i have mental illness like this.

i am...

I'm trying to spread more positive aura so that I'd feel good everyday. because it does make people feel good, vice versa. and it DID to me.

i love myself of few years ago. more when i was in school. i realised that i feel that my life was so easy as compared to present because, i think because i channelled more positive aura to people around me, every second of my life. and i was so happy doing that. but now, i don't know why. people make me feel not good (not exactly bad), oh, people make me feel so much inadequate in so many ways that sometimes i myself do not see the best thing that i have or good (realize it or not). entahla. to be honest, i don't really like myself now. i mean at most of the time. i love my old self. haiseh. patutnya dah makin dewasa makin pandai handle all this inner stuffs. i am inadequate, i know and so much aware of it. but do i need to feel so much doomed because of that? anyway, my point is, how am i going to have a big bubble of positive aura to share with people around me as i myself do not posses one? or maybe i do but it is not enough...no positive aura is given to me to top-up mine. maybe??? but it is in me. it depends on merely me. kan?

"welcome to the REALity..."

that's what everybody would say...

what ever it is, i love my old self more...

*emotional*