Friday, May 29, 2009
I have no exact reason of why I want to be a teacher so much. Other than it'd help me in terms of exposure to the Malaysian curriculum for me to pursue my Masters in Curriculum and Instructions later on, I just love it. I can even imagine myself in a classroom setting, teaching and spending time with my students. During my practicum months in Klang, it would be a lie if I say I really enjoy the moment and I had no problems and difficulties handling the students, manage my emotional destructions of anxiety and what not. Somehow, the love of teaching has never decayed. The teaching profession is noble, yes. That is surely another small reason why I love the job. My sister once asked me about that, if I really want to be a teacher. She told me that the workload is horrendous – marking books, paperwork, courses and what not. At that time, I said, “that’s part of the job. If you love your job, nothing will stop you no matter how shitty it is.” I was still young when I had that thought. Nowadays, teachers’ workload is super duper horrendous, I would say. There are so many new systems and plans governed by the MOE. That petrifies me a bit but to come to think of it, I love teaching and that is the only thing I can do best. To be exact, teaching in school. I have no idea why I am so eager to be a school teacher. Do I love kids? Not really. Really, I don’t know. One of my lecturers told me that I am going to be a good teacher. I took that as a complement. Maybe it was from the passion she saw in me. Maybe. May the force will always be with me, ameen.
Nevertheless, now I’m in dilemma - whether to be a teacher or a lecturer or something else. The pay is never an issue to me. I believe in ‘rezeki’. It is anywhere. But I’m afraid of making a wrong decision, doing things that I don’t really love to do. Or doing things that I'd regret one day. Both are in the same field – teaching but in two different settings. School and the university. I’m still weighing, to be honest. As for teaching, I’m waiting for the offer letter for the interview. As for lecturing, I’ve dropped my resume here and there- by hand and jobstreet even though it is now a bit too late.
However, yesterday, my friend told me a good news on an advertisement she saw in The Star. It was about 150 vacancies for Oman Air stewardess. She said I meet the criteria. Two of my friends are now encouraging me to apply for it. And to be honest, I have a confession. Flight attendant is one of my dream jobs too even though I have no backgrounds in it. Plus, I can’t freaking swim! That is so not. But they keep on telling me to go for it! To tell you, it is somehow a big catch if you get it. Ah, I don’t know! It sounds unrealistic to me, tho! ;p
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I’m aware that I’m being vague with those statements as that is how I talk about the indescribable feelings. This is going to be a vague post, you better bear in mind. I am vague, most of the time and expect people to get me and to interpret it. Too much, eh? But I don’t bother to elaborate at times as I learn that humans have different persona that drives their point of views, unexpectedly. If the sockets fit, there it will meet. If they don’t sorry is all we can say. I think abstract, I shall say as sometimes I realize that I don’t really know how I want thing to be until it doesn’t. For example, I won’t be able to give you the precise answer of what exactly I want in a relationship until the not so good feeling arises. I have nothing in specific in anything as I am like a fluid that can go into any angles unless the path is blocked. The blocking would be the trigger of my demanding side, if that is how most people see it. But I am the fluid in almost everything.
Fickle? Not really. I can stick to my decision when I voice out one. I can be so pig-headed and firm with it. Yet sometimes I can always re-plan and re-think when are needed.
It is the way I think about things that is abstract. That is what I am talking about. There are always reasons for things to happen in that particular ways that makes me rarely to question. I don’t speak out much about my opinions. It’s either I observe for my own conclusion that I usually keep to myself, or I just brush it of from my mind that I don’t bother to ask anymore but to accept it the way it is. Usually I do the latter. It is not that I don’t have the guts. I’d rather go with the flow and see how exactly it works. Yes, I know I am still being vague that might lead to the end of your reading. But that is what in my mind now. Vagueness. Some friends said I am emotionless. Partly true.
Besides, I have nothing against ego. According to Mr. Freud’s physics apparatus (the id, ego and super ego), the ‘ego’ that we are practicing today is not the one. Well, let’s not talk psychoanalytic theory here. We have another definition of ‘ego’. We go for egotism or self-esteem. Well, I suppose, some people refuse to say sorry because of their ego or self-respect. Some do not want to make the first move to protect their ego. as for me, I am egoless, I say sorry whenever I think it is wrong or unpleasant to people; as I believe, I never realise if the words or facial expression or even tone used is offensive, even though it is deserving. I think there was one stage of my life where I said unaccountable ‘sorry’ for no deserving reasons in a day. I feel more satisfying when I say sorry to people whom I have malice to even the situation is equivalent or might be actually not. Well, I act foolishly sometimes and I believe you; ditto. In the other hand, sorry seems to be the hardest word to some people. I know a person whom I have never heard a word ‘sorry’ from the mouth even though at times it is the turn to. That must be the highest level of ego that I can tell.
Only now, I learn to prove my points by holding myself back even though my heart sometimes says, “just go!”. And believe me, I feel damn bad about it even though I should not deserve to feel bad at all as the other part is the same of a kind or even when there is no one exactly to be blamed!
Gosh, I have been writing without precision. It jumps from A to nowhere, back and forth. This has no focus. Sorry, people if your reading has been wasted where you can spend more time on other stuffs.
Lucky those painters as people can interpret their emotions by looking at their paintings. I think I need those magic fingers and gifts as I am no good at figuring out my own feelings. Let alone expressing it effectively, boldly and convincingly. My indescribable feelings are way too abstract to figure that it is in no way to reach the conclusion. So pitiful.
Does everyone have that? That way too abstract personality?
Really, it is a question.
Maybe because I just want to live in harmony. Yes, I know this is so impossible in this real world. Plus, that would be kind of boring. Let's be realistic even it hurts.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Comment ca va?
Tres bien. Et toi?
Tu parler francais?
Non? C'est mal.
My French is rusty. Or almost gone. How I wish I could have my sweet time learning it again. But people say it is easier to learn it from the horse’s mouth. Meaning I need to be in France to get it excellent. My friend in Nice would be more than glad to have me there.
For now I only know the basic greetings, vocabularies on phrases and items, and minor things resulted from the two-semester-course that I took in school. It became rusty as I have nobody to practise it with. I’m sure I would definitely sound like a French if I were there- to have people to converse with in the language, to learn the culture and grasp the contexts. Hehs. Well, basically that’s how language is best learnt. Unless we have the native speakers here with us, commuting myself there would not be the option. Like Arabic, I learnt the language in school and now I am able to understand the language when I heard announcements at the airport, sometimes. I get the meaning as much as I recite the Quran. However, the language has somehow decayed as I do not use it or hear it around me.
Now I feel like learning both languages back and at least to expand my vocabularies and the usage of it. I want to learn and be able to speak French and Arabic better than I used to.
Well, this post is not about I am going to France to learn the language even though that is one of my dream vacations.
But I do want to learn and be able to speak the languages finely. I will figure it out. Easy, if we know how to and we want to. Nice (the state or l'etat)? “Nice is nice,” he said.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
As for me, I am still waiting for the posting list to be out in which I have no idea when. I do not even know exactly the procedure of the application of teaching posts. Like other jobs, we have interviews and whatnot following the application. However, as for school teachers, I'm not sure how it is conducted. I heard that the posts are confirmed. It is just the matter of time and places on when the list is coming out and where to. So, I shall just wait for that time.
Nonetheless, I still in need for job while waiting for the list to come out as it may takes 6 months from now. Or the latest would be this June, I'm not sure. I'm thinking of applying for tutors in colleges but I'm not sure if I can quit once the teaching placement is out. I need a temporary or contract job. For three to six months, maybe. But not all colleges are looking for part time or contract tutors. Yet I am looking.
I love teaching. Teaching is the profession where I think I can do my best. I don't see my potential in other lines but teaching. Or maybe I'm not sure about it. Even my former student during my practicum called me back to teach them as they think the teacher is not giving them enough practice as preparation for the SPM. I feel bad that I can't help them now but well, kids; they take things for granted sometimes. Hehs. Somehow, that gives me the force to keep on teaching. But of course I know that I can still learn and improve myself in other fields. I'd love to. And I believe it takes time and that I can discover it bits by bits while I work.
But the questions are,
Am I picky? Or am I afraid of challenges? Or am I lazy?
No, I don't think so. Challenges are everywhere and we ought to deal with it no matter how the condition is. But I know my potential and stuffs that I can do best and I don't want to waste it by having other unrelated jobs.
Or maybe I should just grab any opportunities that come. Who knows my hidden potential is there? However, I shall not jeopardize my my teaching post in schools.
Heh. Now I am unsure, lost.
But NTM sounds great. Ha ha! ;p
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
But okay, hopefully this will only be until the end of this month; especially when the thesis is really over. And I am going back to my hometown to take care of my niece and nephew and will come back again with them after the school break. I hope everything will be okay by then. Plus, sailorBoy is coming back. Hooray!
But again, for me, foods can make me happy at this particular time. I want to eat in peace. And oh, mini shopping will be fine too. Not necessarily on pricey stuffs. Anything that we call as 'spending' will be okay. So teruk!
But all in all, I want nyummy foods. That will requires lots of cash. No, I don't do credit cards.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Loitering around at home with DVDs and Kakuro (that makes me turn out to be a boring person), went
to my newly wed cousin's house to help out with the cleaning yesterday, waiting for someone to take me out on a date, just got my harbound copy for my thesis. And, hell yeah. I eat a lot! I mean the desire to eat is like flaming hot fire that people would get tired feeding me, I'm sure.
Yeap. That's all I have been up to lately. What else?
Oh. But I know that something big is waiting for me later on. Or maybe sooner!(irrelevant claim to soothe this lame poudning heart)
P.S: Waiting to get posted is somehow such a father of boredom and...sickness!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I also bought a crossword puzzle that is yet to be done. Kakuro is driving me crazy!
By the way, Happy Teachers' Day to all teachers, lecturers, professors and educators in the world!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ha..This one is a must have cake stand. RM19 and meaningful. Suitable for Christmas party. I love it but I don't think I need it now. So I didn't buy it.
We really had fun today! Yay!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
It is locked, yet unlocked.
It is over or is it really?
Such a blame shouldn't have been put on.
Now that the other side deserves the punishment as seen merely from your eyes.
What about you?
There has never been an End of it.
1. Jimat syampu
Hurm..sama banyak je pro and cons dia. So, tak kisah lah rambut aku dah pendek gila pun! Rambut aku dah pendek macam rambut Rihanna, siot!
Beginilah lebih kurangnye.
Itupun akibat daripada tukang gunting tu tersalah gunting rambut aku yang sepatutnya yang mana aku sangat tak berkenan. Aku dan kawan aku bersepakat memendekkan gilakan saje rambut aku terus. This is the second craziest thing I've ever done to my body after piercing my belly button. Lol!
Macam Cik kak ni pun cun juga!
Baru ingat nak simpan rambut panjang. Tahun bilalah gamaknye...
Dengan aku ginilah jadiknye
(Maaf muka macam kene lenyek. Baru balik meronggeng)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I noticed that I always have dreams about animals. I’m aware that there is significance of all these but well, not all are true. People say if we dream a snake; that means a bad luck. Maybe. This one I have to believe. A few weeks back I dreamt of snake. A damn big snake and yep, something bad happened to me. Or maybe I was trying to relate that dream with the occurrence. However, in Malay’s belief, snakes means someone will come and propose you, if you are a girl. I prefer not to believe that, tho. Anyway, I love snakes but it doesn’t mean that I love the bad lucks they bring in dreams.
Besides, I used to have giraffe in my dreams. It was almost everytime when I dreamt. There would be giraffe that kept on following me wherever I went, trying to take care of me. The giraffe loves me so much. There were big giraffe, small giraffe, giant giraffe that I felt like living in a Jurassic park. Sometimes I felt like it was because I am tall that I always saw giraffe in my dreams.
I am just too busy to analyze and interpret my dreams. And I believe that dreams are just dreams. Dreams are abstract images that give you entertainment, be it good or bad while you’re asleep. Somehow, sometimes I tend to believe that dreams are ways of premonition of your future; near or further that is brought to you, unconciously.
I don’t know. I can’t be sure about it. But last night's dream was so not sweet.
interpret your dreams here
Monday, May 11, 2009
I feel love. *indah*
Eventhough there are minute things that are continuosly maiming my life every now and then. *but how?*
Thank you, Love.
It's actually a mixed up feeling. Yes, I always have that mixed up feelings that make me feel good and bad at the same time.
I find it funny, somehow with this 'threesum'. Eh, four! Haha!
I'm slightly o.k now. It's not great. My life is o.k!
*chuckles* - to my 'unresolved conflict'. Ow My Gawd, you!
btw, I wonder why there's no more the smell of coffee in my area everytime it rains and after midnight? I miss the smell damn muchos!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
- Professional Development - Dr. Norshidah Nordin. It was great. The seminar was the last teamwork we had done. And the feelings was nothing like we have ever felt before.
- Current Issues in Education - Puan Rohaya. the beautiful person who had moved me. And I believe evrybody in her class.
- Computer Assisted Language - Or CALL. Prof. Madya Izaham Shah Ismail, the coolest lecturer. I enjoyed the class as I am fond of multimedia projects. I am not really a book person. I am a project person, I shall say.
- Family Counseling - P.M. Hjh. Zaiton Ahmad. The most relaxed counselling class out of 4 years. She said, "sebab kamu dah final year students. So, saya lenient sikit la." yet I failed her second test. Or maybe just atas pagar. Haha!
- Ethics and Current Issues in Counseling -Puan Syarifah Muzlia. Class paling paling paling relaxed! The only class where we wen ectra hyper active. It was a night class. She was fun and still a fun cute lecturer.
Extra subject - Academic Research: Our mini thesis. Until today, I am still doing it. I mean just a final touch and will submit my harbound copy. Verdict? Stressful.
And now, some of us, or maybe all of us are still adapting to the reality of post graduates life. And I, I don't really enjoy it. Or maybe I am not ready to leave my five years. Am I? Or maybe I want to take a break for a while? Do I? I am not sure.
All I know is, I have packed my five years, gave away my old clothes and shoes and bags and books. I only take 9 pairs of shoes with me. And added one new pair. I watch DVD everyday with Ili, go out for meal, get home, watch TV, sleep, go out and eat until I don't know when. And I am sick of it.
All in all, it is a new phase of life. And we shall all embrace it.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Having myself not occupied is so stressful. Being jobless is so stressful. These days, suddenly I become so blank, blurr, and have 'no vision'. Applying for opportunities, waiting for the responses, oh. Is so tiring. And to make it worse, my thesis is yet to be submitted the hardbound copy. Yes, still have a few minor ammendments. That hinders me from going anywhere further from this place. Fine. Financial, oh. Comes into this bumpy road of mine.
Plus, I miss Sailorboy oh so much. I have no idea why my usual wait of one week feels so unbearable. And he told me last week he won't be in Bintulu until 9th May. That makes it longer than enough.
Oh, I don't like it now!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
And everything is different. Every single thing.
Blok A, tempat kami tinggal dulu telah dikosongkan untuk dijadikan pejabat. So, Blok B saja yang dibuat penempatan. Actually, tangga nak naik tu bergril and tertutup. Tapi kami cuba nasib, tengok-tengok gril tak kunci. Kami naik jugak, buat donno je. Heh.
Kami tinggal kat sini ada la dalam 25 tahun. My brother was born at this house in 1984. We had our wonderful sweet childhood here.
970-E, Tingkat 1,Blok A,
Berek Polis Mentakab,
28400 Mentakab, Pahang.
See, I still can remember the address!
My parents' room. Same o same o. Exactly!
My first graffiti on the cupboard. "don't tach!" instead of "touch!". It is still there after like 18 years!
This small town has changed a lot!
sekolah rendah yang dah banyak sangat berubah. Warna dah lain. Ambiance ape tah lagi. Tapi tak dapat nak masuk dalam tengok kantin dan padang kat bawah bukit, tepi sungai semantan. Cuba jugak, tapi gate kunci. Sekolah ni pun boleh dikira berbukit-bukit.
Bangunan yang ada nama sekolah ni ialah bangunan baru. Dulu, bekas bangunan kat tapak ni ialah bangunan kayu yang digunakan sejak zaman Jepun dulu. Dulu sekolah ni sebenarnya ialah bekas Markas Kampetai, kalau kamu semua ingat lagi kita balajar Sejarah. Mengikut cerita, padang sekolah kami tu dulu tempat Jepun pancung orang Melayu kita dulu. Kira bawah tanah padang tu tempat mayat-mayat ditanam. Scary~
stesen keretapi belakang rumah (bawah bukit). Tempat berjogging. And malam-malam or subuh, selalu je dengar bunyi hon keretapi yang sampai either from Thailand or Singapore. Stesen ini juga merupakan tempat perselisihan keretapi. So rail dia akan bertukar and menyebabkan one of the trains need to wait for quite a while.
Pejabat Pos. Vintage tak? Ingat lagi dulu time darjah dua ke empat tah, cikgu suruh dapatkan borang 'money postal order' untuk digunakan dalam kelas kemahiran hidup. Authentic sungguh.
'Da Ren'. Tempat nak beli pensel kaler kalau time terdesak.
siling masjin pun dah ditukar. Ingat lagi dulu, arwah Cik Minah, cikgu mengaji selalau bawak pergi masjid setiap malam Jumaat untuk sembahyang jemaah dan baca Yasin. Yang paling bestnyer, tiap-tipa malam Jumaat, ada makan-makan. Itulah yang aku paling suka sekali. Sedap! Kat sini la aku makan gulai nangka buat pertama kalinya dan terus suka sampai sekarang. Waktu tu, aku baru darjah 3.
Lepas tu kami bertolak balik.
had a pit stop at R&R Genting sempah. Beli buah berangan dan kuaci labu yang aku kupil start dari sini sampai la rumah. And, i wonder, why do people call buah berangan, buah berangan. tak sempat nak berangan pun time makan dia. Memang la sedap. Tapi nak bukak sikit punya susah. Gigit pun belum tentu sekali gus boleh bukak. Kuaci lagi berangan!
and not to forget, my favourite McD lego. :)
God, I miss and love this place! ;)