Abstract Me

Have you ever felt the lost of things or someone that are not really important to you yet give you the delight of escapism and fun to be with? The answer may vary as normally people do not really care of the unimportant(s) as they are not as significant as their eyes to see or heart to feel. Some people do ever thought about the lost as ‘if only…’ reasons. Very few, I guess see it as an appreciation of existence. I am among the few, I must say.

I’m aware that I’m being vague with those statements as that is how I talk about the indescribable feelings. This is going to be a vague post, you better bear in mind. I am vague, most of the time and expect people to get me and to interpret it. Too much, eh? But I don’t bother to elaborate at times as I learn that humans have different persona that drives their point of views, unexpectedly. If the sockets fit, there it will meet. If they don’t sorry is all we can say. I think abstract, I shall say as sometimes I realize that I don’t really know how I want thing to be until it doesn’t. For example, I won’t be able to give you the precise answer of what exactly I want in a relationship until the not so good feeling arises. I have nothing in specific in anything as I am like a fluid that can go into any angles unless the path is blocked. The blocking would be the trigger of my demanding side, if that is how most people see it. But I am the fluid in almost everything.

Fickle? Not really. I can stick to my decision when I voice out one. I can be so pig-headed and firm with it. Yet sometimes I can always re-plan and re-think when are needed.

It is the way I think about things that is abstract. That is what I am talking about. There are always reasons for things to happen in that particular ways that makes me rarely to question. I don’t speak out much about my opinions. It’s either I observe for my own conclusion that I usually keep to myself, or I just brush it of from my mind that I don’t bother to ask anymore but to accept it the way it is. Usually I do the latter. It is not that I don’t have the guts. I’d rather go with the flow and see how exactly it works. Yes, I know I am still being vague that might lead to the end of your reading. But that is what in my mind now. Vagueness. Some friends said I am emotionless. Partly true.

Besides, I have nothing against ego. According to Mr. Freud’s physics apparatus (the id, ego and super ego), the ‘ego’ that we are practicing today is not the one. Well, let’s not talk psychoanalytic theory here. We have another definition of ‘ego’. We go for egotism or self-esteem. Well, I suppose, some people refuse to say sorry because of their ego or self-respect. Some do not want to make the first move to protect their ego. as for me, I am egoless, I say sorry whenever I think it is wrong or unpleasant to people; as I believe, I never realise if the words or facial expression or even tone used is offensive, even though it is deserving. I think there was one stage of my life where I said unaccountable ‘sorry’ for no deserving reasons in a day. I feel more satisfying when I say sorry to people whom I have malice to even the situation is equivalent or might be actually not. Well, I act foolishly sometimes and I believe you; ditto. In the other hand, sorry seems to be the hardest word to some people. I know a person whom I have never heard a word ‘sorry’ from the mouth even though at times it is the turn to. That must be the highest level of ego that I can tell.

Only now, I learn to prove my points by holding myself back even though my heart sometimes says, “just go!”. And believe me, I feel damn bad about it even though I should not deserve to feel bad at all as the other part is the same of a kind or even when there is no one exactly to be blamed!

Gosh, I have been writing without precision. It jumps from A to nowhere, back and forth. This has no focus. Sorry, people if your reading has been wasted where you can spend more time on other stuffs.

Lucky those painters as people can interpret their emotions by looking at their paintings. I think I need those magic fingers and gifts as I am no good at figuring out my own feelings. Let alone expressing it effectively, boldly and convincingly. My indescribable feelings are way too abstract to figure that it is in no way to reach the conclusion. So pitiful.

Does everyone have that? That way too abstract personality?
Really, it is a question.

Maybe because I just want to live in harmony. Yes, I know this is so impossible in this real world. Plus, that would be kind of boring. Let's be realistic even it hurts.