Ambivalent I Am

Well, I’ve always loved teaching. I wanted to be a teacher since I was in form three in which I drew my path on a piece on paper, figuring out on which university I should enroll after SPM to pursue my TESL. Actually I knew about the course from a magazine where there was a guy who was pursuing his study in TESL in the UK. Going to UK was part of my intention of doing TESL. Somehow, during my time, the government had stopped sending our students abroad due to the economic hitch. I even got the JPA form hoping that I would be chosen to be sent abroad to further my study. It was not because I thought that studying abroad is better than in local universities. The love of travelling and experiencing different cultures and life style has always been the fond of mine. However, I did not complete the form as it required quite a tedious procedure in which there were so many documents needed to be attached including our parents’ ‘J Form’. No, I don’t know what the hell is that. My mother has always been the ardent supporter for me that she managed to get all the forms required. Thank you. Somehow, I did not know what stopped me that I refused to mail the form. I did not feel that I am adequate enough to join the smart students there. I hid the form in my room. Until today, my mother didn’t know the real story – that I did not mail the form. Please don’t tell her. After a few months of the closing date of the application, she kept on asking me, “is there any news from them?”. Swallowing the guilt, I said, “nah, I don’t think they want me.” she kept on asking the same question again and again until I was called by UiTM for an interview to enroll the Pre-Degree Program in TESL. After a year, I managed to place myself in the B. Ed. TESL (Hons) program that I just completed a month ago. Even after 5 years of learning, my purpose of being a teacher has never changed, even until today.

I have no exact reason of why I want to be a teacher so much. Other than it'd help me in terms of exposure to the Malaysian curriculum for me to pursue my Masters in Curriculum and Instructions later on, I just love it. I can even imagine myself in a classroom setting, teaching and spending time with my students. During my practicum months in Klang, it would be a lie if I say I really enjoy the moment and I had no problems and difficulties handling the students, manage my emotional destructions of anxiety and what not. Somehow, the love of teaching has never decayed. The teaching profession is noble, yes. That is surely another small reason why I love the job. My sister once asked me about that, if I really want to be a teacher. She told me that the workload is horrendous – marking books, paperwork, courses and what not. At that time, I said, “that’s part of the job. If you love your job, nothing will stop you no matter how shitty it is.” I was still young when I had that thought. Nowadays, teachers’ workload is super duper horrendous, I would say. There are so many new systems and plans governed by the MOE. That petrifies me a bit but to come to think of it, I love teaching and that is the only thing I can do best. To be exact, teaching in school. I have no idea why I am so eager to be a school teacher. Do I love kids? Not really. Really, I don’t know. One of my lecturers told me that I am going to be a good teacher. I took that as a complement. Maybe it was from the passion she saw in me. Maybe. May the force will always be with me, ameen.

Nevertheless, now I’m in dilemma - whether to be a teacher or a lecturer or something else. The pay is never an issue to me. I believe in ‘rezeki’. It is anywhere. But I’m afraid of making a wrong decision, doing things that I don’t really love to do. Or doing things that I'd regret one day. Both are in the same field – teaching but in two different settings. School and the university. I’m still weighing, to be honest. As for teaching, I’m waiting for the offer letter for the interview. As for lecturing, I’ve dropped my resume here and there- by hand and jobstreet even though it is now a bit too late.

However, yesterday, my friend told me a good news on an advertisement she saw in The Star. It was about 150 vacancies for Oman Air stewardess. She said I meet the criteria. Two of my friends are now encouraging me to apply for it. And to be honest, I have a confession. Flight attendant is one of my dream jobs too even though I have no backgrounds in it. Plus, I can’t freaking swim! That is so not. But they keep on telling me to go for it! To tell you, it is somehow a big catch if you get it. Ah, I don’t know! It sounds unrealistic to me, tho! ;p