my mental illness

hurrmm..i've started like keeping a diary here. whenever i feel like saying something, i feel like writing it here. even when i was having my bath, i'd monologue and thingking about writing it here...it is just that i lost most of my thoughts/points before i got to the library and get myself online.

i feel like i am nowhere in the league. i feel like i do not belong here. not anywhere, in where i am now. i am not saying that life is unfair. i always think that Allah has made us to our best - with shortcomes and the best traits that we have, so it is said. however, my life has become like a total mess lately. i mean, my emotion, my thought and my everything. i do not know what is wrong with me. i know it is me, not because of others. i am aware that we know ourselves best. but not to me lately. even worse, sometimes i feel like i am nothing. nobody. no nothing. i know that that is a bad feeling someone should have about oneself. that is pathetic. yes, that is me. i am pathetic.


by the way, i want to stop giving unneccassery hatred. no. hatred is a strong word. dislike. i want to stop giving uneccassery dislike to people or anything. i want to be ignorant. haha! that is why i do not like myself now. but people, i would like to justify here that i am a good person, good as in i don't harm others in any ways - emotionally, physically, spiritually and all the ly(s). i am no mean girls and am in no way to match them. i am not the b*tch like (but some b*tches are good. tehy are good at heart. it is just a term, i suppose. i don't know). but i like my old self much more better. maybe it is because i feel that i became like i am now and i hate it. gosh! gila!!! i built that negative aura in me. or maybe it is because i don't have enough positive aura anymore. oh lord! what is this?! some how, i hope that i don't spread the negativity that i might have in me to people around me. i have no intention to do so. not at all. i swear. i have a good heart :P

i love to make people happy, feel good about themselves, feel like they are noticed by me as an individual whether they like it or not, whether they care if i don't. i love making love. i mean make people happy and have a good rapport with them. that is what i wish and like to do. but to be realistic, nothing is perfect. so who cares. do things that is within your hands. or your grabs.

p.s: i miss sailorBoy :(
he'd know what he needs to do or I have to do whenever i have mental illness like this.