I didn't realise sometimes...

At certain points in my life, it occurs to me things that I think I didn’t realise the existence of it. The feeling of it. The effects of it. Have you experienced these? It can happen just like that as if you already knew it. Or, it happens when something bad happens to us, or something bad that we have done or something that others did to us; you name it. For example, you didn’t realise that you have no more clothes to wear for a date when you have tons and tons of blouses, dresses and whatnot, until you noticed that you have been recycling the same outfit again and again OR all these while, you’re moving so slow for your thesis until you know that all your friends are already in their chapter five; and you started to feel burn out, petrified, and feeling to extend the semester. That’s an obvious sample. A bad one.

As for me, I have reasons why I am talking about sailorBoy today.

SaiorBoy loves to read. He’ll read anytime, anywhere, everywhere…

breakfast...

lunch...

tea/coffee time...

sentral...

waiting for the train...

waiting for the flight...


he even finished this book on his 1 hour 45 minutes flight to Kuching.

Get him anything to read and I am free to go anywhere I want without him noticing it. I’d talk to the table, fork and spoon and rather talk to the strangers from another table when he didn’t hear me. He even read my newly purchased Cleo before I did. I love him nonetheless.

He’d buy that heavy newspaper to read over meal. He’d flip the last section first – sports. And then he’d ask me to hold it for him when we walk because he wants to hold my hand. His reason was, “handbag you besar kan, boleh muat tak?”, with no sarcasm because he really needed me (or my handbag) for his newspaper . Actually my handbag is no that big to stuff in his bulky newspaper. That’s the time where I could be sarcastic to him. “eh, bukan hari tu you komplen handbag I besar sangat ke? Sekarang nak tumpang barang pulak”. But I did it, I tried to stuff in that newpaper for him. And sometimes, when it couldn’t fit in, I just placed it between my armpit while walking, adding on more accessory on my body, jeopardizing my vogue. That lead me to carry smaller handbag. Still, he’d ask me to hold the newspaper for him. I did it somehow. For him. But this time, I’d ask him if he’s done reading it and if so, I’d say, “tinggalkan je kat sini. Bagi orang lain baca pulak,”, OR I’ll force him to just leave it there so I wouldn’t need to clutch his newspaper anymore. Thank god reading can’t be synchronized with driving; or else... I love him nonetheless.

Nothing I can do about his love of reading. But one thing that he is willing to do for me is to miss the football match even if there is a live match on air, just to be with me. He’d decline his friend’s invitation for the game when we were together – in which, I’d rather he takes me there so that I can watch football with boys. I won’t stand long for any game without boys’ supervision as I sometimes don’t get the game entirely. I’ll get to ask this and that when I’m lost and cheer with them when the team scores. He’d say it is ‘you and me’ time. I love him nonetheless.

Nevertheless, I can never win when it comes to TV. I know when we were texting, when he said his at home, doing nothing and he didn’t reply my next message, OR he did, a bit late OR, he replied it but not answering my questions or not in the coherence of the conversation – TV. I know he was watching TV when I rang him, talked to him and received a quite long pause after that, before he got on track back, and asked me to repeat again or he started a new topic by asking the same question. I know that when he was watching, he’s in the world of his own together with the characters in the TV that he would not hear me talking to him or calling him for help, even in the closest proximity. Should I didn’t get the story; I would end up lost till the end. I love him nonetheless.

I know the shoes that haunts him. He found that shoe last year when his ship anchored in Yokohama. But I think, there was once, in this year, he told me that , “I teringat la kasut yang I tak dapat beli hari tu, yang takda size I tu.”. Oh, he still wants that shoes.

This is the shoes. If you watch one of Chris Brown’s video clips, he’s wearing that. But I don’t think he wants it because of Chris Brown because he didn’t even know who Chris Brown is at that time. I love him nonetheless.

He bought another shoes instead to replace that shoes...

but he has been wearing his Crocs wherever he goes. And he goes to his reminder mode about my abandoned shoes when I wish to buy a new pair, or if I bitch about shoes that I can’t have. I am a woman, boy. I love him nonetheless.

I know that he’ll get himself hurt or cut at work when he misses me so much. He’d send me an MMS of his burnt skin due to the 400 degrees hot steel that he accidentally touches it for a split second because his mind is wandering about me. He even fell off the stairs either of his clumsiness or his day dreaming. I love him nonetheless.

But he’s not with me all the time. That’s why I gave him my massages in a bottle. He can open one roll each day and hear from me even though I am not there with him.


I wrote one so many things on the papers just to pretend as if I am with him. Just to make sure that he is not lonely in his room. Even though sometimes he cheats by taking one roll in the morning and another one before he goes to sleep. I love him nonetheless.

Oh, I always gave him wrong directions that we often lost our ways in the middle of somewhere, in KL or even Shah Alam.. He said, “ I, kalau jalan kat Kuching ke, Penang ke, boley la. Kalau KL, you’re supposed to be my map.” And I’d say, “ sorry..tapi I bukan expert jalan kereta. I ikut jalan KTM, monorail, LRT, tau la.”. And we ended up looking for the exits to reach our destination, in silence (especially me, trying not to feel more guilty if I were to give another wrong direction). I am not good with directions. He loves me nonetheless. Of course, he expects me to improve, he said.

Until I write all these, I didn’t realise that I miss him so much that I tend to talk about him…